Jan. 8th, 2017

bluebaron: zack allan (Default)
You tell yourself everything's fine. You tell yourself you don't love him. You tell yourself what happened is your fault.

Two lies and a truth, and it's a dangerous game you're playing.

You're chief of security on the best ship in the fleet. You're calm, cool, and collected. You're not fighting an eternal war within yourself.

Two truths and a lie, and you hate yourself just a little more.

You try not to lie to yourself. You've seen enough to know it's not a good idea, to understand that self deception only brings pain. You've done your share of lying,
about your gender and your sexuality and your career intentions. Your father caught you, each and every time, and punished you further. You push memories down and try to focus on the here and now.

He tells you he loves you. He drinks a little too much and doesn't listen when you say no. He hits you, then, and you pull back a little more into yourself. It's easy to hide the bruises when it's your job to protect your shipmates at any cost. So you do, wearing long sleeves and only rarely letting others see you out of uniform.

You know intellectually that your father abused you because you are transgender. He wanted a son, but when he had resigned himself to two daughters, you had upset the balance. He never hit you, not like your boyfriend does now, but the abuse left you hurt and aching nonetheless.

You don't talk about your relationship with other people. You have a reputation of being close mouthed about your personal life, so no one will expect you have different reasons this time. In a way it's a relief, not having to put on a show of being cheerful when you're not expected to be.

You fight with yourself regularly. You try to control your thoughts and feelings, wondering if maybe the Vulcans weren't right after all and that logic is the only way to prevent from going mad.

You sink into a deep, dreamless sleep. You'll take care of the rest tomorrow.


bluebaron: zack allan (Default)

June 2017

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